Well we sure did have a busy weekend as usual.

We had Chey most of the week since her regular sitter had no brakes on her car. So Friday I left work after a day of listening to movers scream down the hallway next to my office. I went and picked up my niece from Daycare and she was in nothing but a t-shirt and jeans. I knew her mother knew better than to dress her that way and we went in to look for her sweater – but alas… no where to be found. So we headed on our way. The gf was not supposed to be at work till 7 so I headed home and picked up Chey and Matt and then the gf from work. We went out to dinner and headed home. I enjoyed a quiet night reading from a lesbian erotica site I found recently.

So comes Saturday. I get up early get the kids ready and then head out to pick up Chey to take her to riding lessons. OMFG it was so cold in the stables. Even the cats thought it was cold. It was raining/sleeting/icing everything. Well we left the riding center and I took the kids back to Chey’s house. Her brother offered to keep all the kids while I did some shopping. Thank goodness! I enjoyed the break. So I picked up the gf and we did some shopping. We finally got back around 5 and got into it for over an hour about me going out that night and all the kids being at the house. I had a sitter for the kids. It is not like I can count on her to help out. Then I started out on her cybering again with the chick in her game and everyone else in her game. Hello – it’s a game – kill critters do not have sex with every imaginable character there whose owner obviously have no life either because they too pay thousands of dollars a year for this damn game!

So Tra comes over and we leave to pick up Kiri. We get down to Yadda’s around 10:45ish. I am never on time for things because I never stop to breathe! I always have to go go go go go. Well we walk in and I am in lesbian heaven! *wiping drool* So we order some drinks and head to the dance floor area. I scope out the room and definitely notice there is a major difference between the class of people who hang here as to who we see at the other lezzie bars in town. And I will be the first to say I was very impressed! Unfortunately as I look at all the delicious women around the room all I can think of is how it sucks I still see myself as unavailable. Well we stayed at the club till about 1:45 and headed home.

Sunday was Yule for my group. We never can make the sabbats on the cross quarters and quarters – they always end up on the criss cross quarters and ad-libbed from there. It was a great night of meeting new people and lots of good food and nice friends. Kris was so sad. It made me want to go after the boy myself for what he has put her through and what he is still putting her through. How dare he even fucking think that he will get away with making her feel guilty for his mistakes and then try to accuse her of stealing from his kids. She loves those kids as if they were her own. He is really close to joining the other losers in my freezer!!!

And today… well other than dealing with a cranky three year old and 13 yr old so far it is ok. I did want to share the card I got from the gf today.

Start Card

Happy Birthday. I realize this is a rough time, and you may not even feel like its your birthday.

I am sorry I have put you through hell. And I realize I am, but I don’t know what to say or do. Guess that is why I am so readily able to just give up. Yet I cannot bring myself to just leave either. It kills me to think I would be leaving the one relationship that was able to produce more than drama and bitter feelings, with less than I came in with. And I am not talking less emotionally really. It worries me that I CANT get my license, and I CANT have a car with insurance with out one. I will be devastated to have to rely on someone else. I could go back to Ok. Get a transfer I guess to a store in the OKC area. And if that’s what is necessary, then I will. I don’t have alot of securities emotionally or physically right now. To me, right now, all I have for “me” is my job. And I am sorry if that hurts you. But its my job that is going to enable me to get my teeth fixed. Pay for that car that I will eventually get when I eventually figure out how to get my license. Enable me to retire, and buy a house. I want all that.

But anymore sometimes I think do I want it with you? Its like the baby issues. I SO want to produce a child by my loins. But I don’t want to with you, because of the problems we have had regarding raising Matt. I am not the perfect parent. Parents make mistakes. I will admit to that. You have made yours, and yet I am expected to be perfect and be told what I can and cannot do?

I know now what you meant years ago when you told me. “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” I do love you Chel. My love for you has not diminished because of something “You” did. As much as what I am experiencing in our relationship as a whole is not what my expectations where years ago. So I have in a sense lost interest in our relationship, in this facade of a a family that we have going on here. And I apologize for this.

End Card

And this is supposed to make me feel good? I told her last night that I am tired of trying to hold us together and I am tired of trying to figure out what is going on. She fucking told her online fuck that she wished I wasn’t watching the L word last night because the sex scenes were making her want it. Well maybe if she could have gotten her fucking computer out of her ass the last two years she would get it. I swear to god/dess I have never had anyone lose interest in sex with their partner the way she has. I was in an 11 year r’ship where I still was active day in and day out even though we fought like cats and dogs sometimes! And the parenting stuff. Ok I admit I am hard on her about it but I have tried to make it clear to her that you cannot raise kids with an iron fist in this day and age. Look at that lesbian couple in the news with their 5 kids who were locked in urine soaked closets and hit and beat and starved to death. Discipline yes but you do not need to hit kids or spank kids to get them to grow up and be decent adults. And for us having more kids – no I have raised my now 13 yr old and I do not want to be the one that all the child rearing gets put on. When we keep my niece it is me who takes care of her. Even her own fucking sister puts her kids (all 4 of them) on me when I am there. Ok yes I am a mother and I am a motherly type but come on, I also have my own career and frends and my group and my own son! I watched Better than Chocolate again last night and god I wish I had someone who loves me and needs me and shows me they care. I really miss that.

Oh well – I think I have some people to go to Michigan with this year! YAY!