Reflections of the past year. They had their ups and downs. Things were actually pretty good until October. Then everything went downhill. I really wish I could make the last year just disappear. Make it go away and never come back into my thoughts, my memories. I started taking my meds again. I am afraid if I don’t I will have another major freak out session and that would not be good. Unfortunately all I have is my anti-anxiety meds and they will only last for a couple weeks. Then I am out of those and no insurance to get them refilled. I need my inhalers too. At least being here I smoke less.

I am so tired all the time lately. I am having problems feeling extremeties again and my eyesight is getting really bad since what happened last week. I can’t sit and read a book without squinting and then I still can’t see it. And if I try and focus on something for a period of time – like crocheting – my eyes hurt and everything is blurry when I go to read. My legs keep going numb and I am losing feeling in my left hand again pretty much all of the time. I sleep 8-12 hours but it never seems like it is enough.

Unemp was denied again this week. My doctor faxed over the info to them releasing me to work so they shouldn’t have denied it. It is getting very frustrating as that is the only money I have to live on and they have denied 4 weeks of payment so far. That would have been $1600 – money I could have used to pay off bills and people I owe and give me something to really get M something for Yule/Christmas. I got him the cd’s but I feel that is a pretty crappy present and he deserves more. He loves me so unconditionally no matter what I do or how I screw up. I am so lucky to have him. So grateful he is such a wonderful kid.

NYE – what to do? I have three invitations for NYE. I am not sure how I want to spend it yet. I need to decide soon though because it is coming up quickly.

I want to go hike and bird watch. I miss being in nature. LOL I need to go hug a tree. This is perfect hiking weather too. Not too dry and the temps are relatively warm with cool breezes.

I think I am going to use the unemp to get back on my feet and pay things off and go back to school. I don’t know what to do for work yet or what I want to do for school but I need to figure out what to do. I love working with databases and I am really good at it. I also love anything to do with nature. M graduates in 3 years and will be off to college and I have nothing to show for all the years he has been with me. C was talking about Environmental Science and that is a good possibility. I could do that and still put my love of Nature with my love of the analytical sciences and databases.

I hope everyone else has a wonderful NYE.