So Mother’s day is this weekend and Friday is Mom’s birthday. I cannot believe it has been 24 years. She has missed so much. Her kids growing up, her grandkids.

Sometimes I want to hate her – I want to be angry at her for leaving us here like she did. She took the easy way out and left us here to fend for ourselves. 24 years Mom – I can’t even remember your voice. Yeah everyone tells me to listen to myself but it isn’t the same. I want you here. I want to be Mommy’s little girl again and lay my head down in your lap. I want to be in your bed hiding under the covers waiting for you to come home. I want to wake up and know you are going to be there. I want to sit at your feet while you brush my hair. I just want you here. I have had a terrible week. Kat and I fought and she left for Cali. I thought – hoped she would come home today but she is still there and I miss her. I have Matt and work and goddess knows I do not have the money to hop a plane right now but I so need to get away from here. My fucking management blocked me from getting the promotion. They said they cannot afford to lose me on the floor. Well I can’t afford to deal with the gas prices and driving into work everyday. I could have done my job in the new position and it would have meant a 20% raise. This is the second time they have done this to me. So nice to be fucking indespensable. My Lupus is flaring up and my legs are all jumpy. My doctor hit me on the head with my chart yesterday because I haven’t gone to have my spinal tap done yet. I was a nurse – I have been there. Those things hurt like a bitch! So now I have to go in the next two weeks and do that. The vampires took 8 vials of blood from me yesterday – does wonders for my fatigue let me tell you. I can’t sleep when Kat isn’t here. I need to know she is there next to me. I was so sad and lonely Friday night that I would have done anything to not have to come home to an empty house. So I went to Brooke’s house. Kat freaked a little when she couldn’t remember who she was and wanted to make sure I wasnt interested in her. One day I will convince my wife that I am 150% sure about being with her and how truly happy she makes me.

Ok back to Mom. Mom you would have been 54 on Friday. Sometimes it is still hard for me to fathom I lived longer than you. I was scared to death for years thinking I would never live past 30. But I am here and you are missing out. Matt – your grandson – was asked out to Prom – my little 13 yr old! I am all grown up working in corporate America (yeah no one else saw that coming either)and my baby starts high school in a few months. Mom I want you to be here when I re-take my vows in front of my family. I believe in ghosts, Mom, I really do. Why can’t you show yourself to me – help me to remember you, your smell, your voice, our smile, your laugh? Damn it to hell I am so tired of everyone telling me I am just like you – oh look how much Michelle resembles Debbie. I am not you and resembling you will never bring you back. I cannot lay my head in your lap. I cannot hear you laugh. I cannot see you smile. I cannot see you holding your grandchildren. Life is so unfair. Now this year I have to deal with yours and Grandma’s bdays the same fucking weekend as Mother’s day. Yeah I love Rita – don’t get me wrong Mom – she is a good person and loves us very much but she isn’t you. I am even sending Kat’s mom a Mother’s day card and I know she loves me too – but still she is not you. I just want you back.

I will be spending Mother’s day not at a nice restaurant, not with family – but in a cold dark cemetery where all there is is a brass and marble marker on the ground with your name on it reading Beloved Mother. They have no fucking clue just how beloved. But I cannot hug that marker. I cannot listen to it talk to me, teaching me about life. So all I will do is sit there on top of your grave and cry as I place each and every wildflower on top of it.

I guess I didn’t mean to go off in a tangent but I am just very moody right now.

Not much else to update. More later.