I used to write in my diaries thoughts that ran through my head. Then I moved to the online journals. It was a place where I could move my thoughts with words and place my emotions in a sacred forum where I am never judged. When you open up especially to those who you love you say the wrong thing because your emotions get in the way. At some point in your life you may find that one person who loves you – a whirlwind of emotions passing through one’s conscious to their subconscious. Even the one I know is the ‘one’ I feel so lost sometimes but yet so incredibly in love. We fit together like a perfect puzzle absolved of all of life’s miseries. When she is with me everything is beyond perfection. It is like laying in a meadow full of wild flowers with all of nature surrounding you in perfect harmony.

That is how I feel when I am with her.

She ended it. She says it isn’t me and nothing I have done. I am two weeks post-op from a partial hysterectomy and she calls me from California and ends it. Just like that. Then she tells me she still wants me to live in OUR house (we close on the 31st – our wedding anniversary) and she tells me she wants us to stay there so Matt can graduate from Fairmont and in the same sentence tells me she is going to date her. She said she finally thinks she cannot love two people at the same time. I will not give up hope and I will not give up my love. She means that much that I will let my tortured heart be forever scarred. I love being the masochistic soul that I am.

I hate her – I hate what she is and what she has done to my family. I hate that she exists. How dare she just walk in and take MY WIFE and fuck up MY FAMILY? Fuck her and her art – fuck her and her tree – fuck her and her well.