• Find out my results came back positive for malignant ovarian cancer
• Go to dinner with Jen and Kat – Jen goes fucking emotional and ballistic because we were talking about our life and our plans
• Come home – Kat leaves to go for a drive
• She comes home – tells me she fucked Jen
• She falls asleep
• Talk to Brandon on the phone
• Jen calls at 2 AM and she snaps her fingers and wham – Kat is out the door – says she will be back in an hour
• She shows up at 6 AM – I have to have her at the airport at 7
• Cry

• My incision rips open – leaving a lovely 2 cm hole
• I clean the house – all is quiet
• Cry

• Erin (Kat’s drunk ex) comes over so I am not alone and we go out to dinner, to a play (that Kat was supposed to go to and I wouldn’t let Eliza down so I went), to a comedy club and to a bar and then come home – Erin very drunk
• Kat called so I call her back and she breaks up with me and in the same sentence is jealous that Erin is over here – I have slept with Erin before
• Kat decides she still wants Matt and I to live in HER house
• Erin and I go to bed – thanks to 3 Darvocet
• Cry

• Get up and talk to Kat – still leaving me – says she is a bitch for doing it over the phone and that she is going to date Jen
• I totally freak out and have emotional breakdown
• Supposed to babysit for 2 hours – it ended up being 10 hours
• Kiri – mtf friend of mine comes over and Kat gets pissy and tells me not to fuck her in HER bed
• Starting to run out of what little money I had to keep buying more bandages for opening in incision – but happy that both cars have some gas and will get me through
• Get 8 calls from Jeremy’s friends finding out he is on his way back to move back in
  

• Kat tells me she doesn’t know why I am so stressed right now
• Finally tell Kat test results after getting in a bitchy fight with her
• Kat freaks out and decides she won’t leave me because I am sick – she tells me hospitals freak her out and she has been in the hospital more with me in the last year than she ever has in her life – excuse the fuck out of me for being in pain!
• Jeremy comes back and asks if he still has a home – kills the battery on the cordless phone
• Post fucking private filtered journal entry in LJ about how I am feeling
• Decide crawling into a corner and dying would be a much better option than the rest of my life
• Finally fall asleep at 5:45 AM
• Cry

• Wake up at 7 to take Matt to school and find out my Van has been stolen
• Deal with Van crap and go back to sleep – Van of course had all the gas in it
• Kat and I have great conversations all day – almost normal – almost like talking to my wife again
• Kat tells me she told her parent’s about my results when I begged her not to tell anyone because I am not ready to deal with it yet
• Breaks my heart by handing the phone to her Mom who tells me how much she loves me and that she is praying for me
• Mom tells me no staying in bed with the covers over my head
• Receive a message from the lesbian social group list (where Kat met Jen) telling me and Kat to have a happy anniversary – I reply back thanks to be socially nice about things
• Pick Matt up from school and go to pet store to get more formula for the baby – leaving me with $19 to put gas in the truck
• Matt tells me I am the best Mom in the galaxy because I made him grilled cheese and tomato soup – he needs to get out more
• Calls to tell me good night and is sweet and acting like my wife again
• Finally get much needed non-drug induced sleep
• Waking me up out of a dead much needed sleep – Kat calls at 2 AM freaking out – Jen called her freaking out because Jen’s ex – Trish fucking somehow got into my journal and read it and told Jen what I said.  Jen of course called Kat and told her what I said.  Kat calls me freaking out thinking I am in cahoots with Trish – I don’t even know this woman!  Apparently though this woman knows all about me including my relationship with Shannon
  

• I get angry and upset because I am being screamed at, at 2 AM – tell Kat that she is leaving me for Jen and I am dealing with a million other things right now (I fucking need out of this state and can’t afford to go anywhere because she is in Cali spending all of our money) – she tells me she is not leaving me for her and that she doesn’t even know what is going to happen between her and Jen.  I tell her bullshit that we were fine till Jen came into the picture and if she wasn’t in the picture she wouldn’t be leaving me – so in theory she is leaving me for Jen
• Finally get Kat calmed down and she says I need to send her that entry so she can read what I said – she has already reiterated all the bad parts back to me verbatim – she said Jen told her I was mushy in it too and apparently any time I have posted anything to the list Jen tells Kat – even though she is on the list herself.
• Unsubscribe from inbred lesbian stalker list
• Have Laurie check to see if she can see my entries without being logged in – NOPE first entry she sees is Aug 2005
• Talk to Laurie for 2 hours on the phone
• Finally I go back to sleep at 4:30 to wake up at 7 and take Matt to school
• Cry

• Take Matt to school and go back to bed
• Get up take a shower
• Go to my appointment for more tests with the doctor
• Go back to bed
• Kat calls still pissy and said I got my way – Jen will not talk to her anymore or have anything to do with her because I hate her – even though Kat left me for her
• Calls me back still pissy – says just because Jen is out of the picture doesn’t mean anything changes between her and I – I told her fine be angry – be pissed – hate me – asked if she hates me now and she says if I was on fire right now she wouldn’t spit on me – not today maybe tomorrow – I told her I still am not giving up hope – she said fine but respect her feelings or we will never be able to live together
• Jen goes into my cauldron tonight – I am fucking done with this woman
• Cry

Wednesday

• Finally happy that I have slept now 6 hours since Saturday
• Finally happy that I ate 6 bites of food since Saturday
• Talk to Kat – she tells me that she is not in love with me anymore and wants nothing to do with me in a romantic way once she is home – ask for an explanation and she says she can’t give me one
• Tells me I need to go back to work this week because we are out of money – I am 2 weeks post op from major abdominal surgery!
• Cry

Our anniversary is Monday.  We are supposed to close on what was to be OUR house on Monday.  She wants us to be completely moved in next week.  I can’t even lift anything heavier than a milk carton without the worry of my 8 inch incision ripping open again.  I can’t sleep and I can’t eat.  I can’t go anywhere because she spent all of our money while she was in California and I am the only one with the job and not getting paid right now because of surgery.  She says she may decide after she was home that this was a big mistake and then she will have to live with it.  So after being left with all the responsibilities less than a week after getting out of the hospital I am going to be selfish and I am going away.  I can’t be here on our anniversary.  I married this woman and it is as if that means nothing to her.  I am sick and she leaves me to go to her 4 yr old nephew’s birthday party. I couldn’t even sit up in bed without help yet.

My feelings are beyond what words can say at this point and I can’t cure my heart and body at the same time.

Everyone keeps telling me to keep my chin up and not to be stressed out.  If it wasn’t 35 degrees outside and wet I would be curled up beside our spot in our cemetery.

She wants us to live together and co-parent Matt till he is out of school.  As much as I hate it I know that is what is best for him. Four years of living with the woman I loved and married but never again able to touch her.  Sounds like the time of my life.  I want to hate her – I want to shake her – I want her to wake up and see me again for the woman she married.  I have lost 15 lbs since I came home from the hospital.  I haven’t even been home two weeks yet.  I am tired of crying and tired of hurting. Now to deal with cancer on top of that.  I can’t take anymore.