So the holidays have come and gone. I want to sit and reflect over the last year but I imagine this will be a lengthy entry so I will put it behind a cut.

So this past year has been a long one. So many things happening. I left Shannon and moved out. Probably the worst timing ever since she has been in nothing but a slump since. Not saying it was because of me – just that I knew she had so much going on and now she has been diagnosed with TB and is cut off from the internet. So I moved out and had a good relationship with L. I fell in love with her pretty quickly. Part of me thinks that maybe it was because I had been alone for so long with Shannon. But I did truly love her.

Early on things were good. Pretty intense but good. We had a problem with the distance though. She did not like the fact that I lived in Fairfield and she was up here in Dayton. This did get worse after her grandfather died. So I made the sacrifice and came up here to live with her leaving my condo basically vacant except for my cats and my friend who came over daily to check on them. So I paid on two places for months. That was rough. But she kept pushing me away and it was the only thing I could think of to make her feel more secure.

Things were ok – a little rocky – but ok for awhile and then K came into the picture. In some ways it was like a whole new outcome to that wonderful tragedy called life. She was a breath of fresh air. Something to put some spark back into things. She and I got to know each other and we fell for each other. At one time we both wanted it all. At different times each of us felt like we were on the outside looking in. Things with K were always very intense and very real. Almost a surreal feeling as if in a constant state of euphoria.

So that leads us to now. I am living with K and L is back trying to fit into the picture. At least I have a house now and I really believe things will be ok in time. I do not know if I really want L back in the picture. Sometimes I do but other times I really enjoy the calm I have with just the two of us. I take good care of her – and she knows that. She says I am too good to her sometimes and maybe I am but I was raised to have a good heart and this is who I am. I just don’t think L can handle the pressure from her friends and family to make this work. She has lied so many times to both of us. It makes it hard to trust what she is saying.

I made some major mistakes with K though. It has put this thing between us that totally sucks. I love her so very much but she keeps saying love isn’t enough. It was the holidays and I was depressed as usual and I procrastinated on some things. I don’t always do it – just when I have so many other things going on I do. And I have a hard time asking for help when I need it. She thinks I am too independent and I don’t need her but I do need her in so many ways. She thinks I only needed her as a safety net to leave L and that is so not true. I could have left her without K in the picture. And worst of all I forgot to send her a Hanukkah card and that really hurt her. I didn’t do it intentionally – there was just so much going on. I feel like crap because of it. I did order her some Hanukkah gifts but they are coming from Israel so they will take a bit to get here. I ordered her a Jewish Chronicles – old texts of news of the past and Or Hayashar by Zolkiew – a rare book from the early 1800’s. I know that doesn’t make up for forgetting to send her a card but it was something special I wanted her to have.

I am learning about her religion. I want to know more. What I have read so far really connects with me much better than any Christian religion I studied. I asked her to sign me up for classes at her temple. So she gave me the study guide for learning the Hebrew I need to learn before I take the class. It is harder than I imagined but I think I can do it. I started reading the Torah and the commentaries that go with it. I have read the bible many times over but looking at it from this viewpoint really gives another meaning all together. She is a reformed Jew and not Orthodox (thank god!) but there is still so much I do not know about the religion. Even learning the different holidays. I know the ones like Hanukkah and Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur but the others are Greek to me. So any help is most welcome!

L thought I was thinking about converting and doesn’t understand why I am doing so much to learn about it. It is more than just understanding – religion is very important to both of us and I want to be able to do more than just understand this part of her. Just as she is learning about Paganism. She is technically a Jew-Bu so what she has learned so far in Paganism she tries to connect to Buddhism more than Judaism.

God,I miss her so much. She went through airport hell getting to Cali this week and I want her back now. She said she may stay till next Monday and I hope and pray she comes home tomorrow as planned. I think about her every second of the day – wondering what she is doing and what she is thinking. Being off work isn’t helping matters. I have too much time now to sit around and think about her. I want her curled up in my lap on the couch while we watch TV. I want to feel her skin as I rub her shoulders and her head when she doesn’t feel good. I worry that she is taking her meds like she is supposed to. Her mom told me thanks last night for taking care of her little girl. I want more than anything to have her little girl in my life for the rest of our lives. She is the one – no if’s and’s or but’s about it. I just want her home with me.

Other than that this holiday season brought us 26 inches of snow with 3-4 ft drifts! L’s car has been stuck on the street since Wednesday night and our truck is stuck in Monroe with a flat tire. AAA has everyone on an indefinite waiting list.

The new year is coming and I am thankful for:

My little goth teenager who is so cute with his little goth girlfriends
My pets – Hermes, Chester and Link and our perfect little doglet Jagger
Having someone who loves me unconditionally
My health – it could always be worse and at least I can still walk
My partner’s health
That I have a great job with a good company
Great friends that always help no matter what the costs
Snow shovels to get us out of this semi-blizzard
That we have a roof over our head and food to eat
That we have clothing to cover us
My family and my partner’s family and their health

There are so many things to be thankful for this season – I hope the new year brings so many more wonderful things – happy things – things that will bring joy and peace to all of us.

Namaste~