Forever Love
When I met you
You blew my mind
I saw in you
What I saw in me
And no judgments
Were there to find
You opened up to me
And I opened up to you
You showed me love
A love that is true
You found in me a peace
I thought was lost forever
You wiped away my tears
And moved into my heart
I never thought I would feel
A love that would last forever
You showed me the possibilities
For us to be together
When I ran I was scared
When I came back
You were there
I thought I destroyed
The love we had once found
My body had let go
My heart held on stronger
You took away those fears
You were in my life forever
At last I found that forever love
In my heart you will stay
One day we will be together
And then our hearts will play.

Michelle 7/26/99

Love Tis in the Aire
The day tis bright
As I look on blue skies.
Ne’er have I seen such a sight
With mine own eyes.
I looked o’er the hill and to the North
And there she was waiting in all her elegance.
A woman of valor, charm and beauty.
A woman who held in her hand a heart so delicate.
Nay I do not go to speak to her
For my father doth not approve.
I sneak by her in the morning light
And giveth her this message of night
To meet me in yonder gardens grand
Under the moonlight holding my hand
And then when night approacheth
I goest to the garden and see her waiting
Waiting under the stars watching the moon
Her face doth gloweth of thy love within her heart
I come up to her and there I seeth her eyes.
My gods you could see dragons and faeries in her eyes
They were so deep and yet closed as if she were hiding
From a love that had once opened them wide
She kissed me gently still holding that heart
And I lay within her arms fearing no harm to ever come
Through visions of sweet tranquility
Her body caressed mine
Feeling her touch sent shivers
Up and down my spine
No other man nor woman had made me feel
The way this woman did
It was my heart she held onto tight
And under these stars she giveth me the most precious gift
Her heart to hold in my hands and cherish forever
For we are now bound like a woman is bound to a man
And in the eyes of the gods they will ne’er frown
Nay they will smile upon us for the love of a woman
Can ne’er be duplicated
And once you have that true love
You begin to notice the stars start to sing
And the birds start to shine
As the moon starts to fade and dawn approaches
We lie there in each other’s arms and watch the sun start to rise
What a beautiful day it tis
When you can wake up to the sound of the whippoorwill
Aye love tis in the aire!

Michelle 8/2/99

I sit and think about when we first met

I look out the window and remember the hours online

The endless days and nights when you were supposed to be in class

And I was supposed to be in bed

I loved those days

I looked forward to seeing you every day

Then after what seemed a lifetime

You wanted to call

I froze; the fear within me turned to melting ice

I listened to your voice and melted more

Even then I had no clue what was in store

You became my best friend

When I had problems I came to you

When you had doubts you came to me

Then two years had passed

Friendships grew stronger

As well as other feelings popping up

I had you on the phone one day and you told me you loved me

Puddles.

My legs felt like jell-o

I knew I could not hold back the emotions that were brewing

Back online

I told you in a private message that I didn’t want to think of you as a friend

You hesitated but said the same

Then we talked on the phone again

When you told me you loved me

Tears poured down my face

I hid it well

It was so overwhelming yet so right

Then I got scared

I couldn’t understand why someone would love someone like me

So I ran

Ran far into the arms of another

But when I came back you were there, still loving me

Still holding on with your heart

And that first moment… the moment we touched each other

The moment you touched my shoulder, tracing, kissing so ever softly

I thought it was my dream so I was afraid to wake up

So much passion mixed with enormous amounts of love

I never thought I could find that with one person

I never thought it could be found

So much happiness all wrapped up in one moment

One eternity

One forever

Tears came pouring

Never wanting to leave you

But now I know that once upon a dream

They do come true

And when you find that one lucky star to wish on

Don’t look away

Look up and beyond your wildest fantasies

And watch them appear before your eyes

And touch you with a love so strong

Even the end of the world will not break it

Chel 02/01/00

RAPE

Angry. Hurt. Violated.
These feelings feel like poison running through my veins
I’ve become a child scared of everything
The nightmares won’t quit
The demons roam through my dreams
tormenting me, torturing me
Making me wish that night would never come
At night I lay in bed and shiver
Fearing those things that go bump in the night
When does the fear go away?
How long before I can go back and sleep in my room?
Will I feel comfortable when the woman I love touches me and caresses me?
I hate MEN.
They are such egotistical bastards.
They think they can do as they please
Disregarding the circumstances
Is there some rule I forgot to teach my son
Saying all men are to control women,
Beating them, fucking them whenever they please?
And where did I miss Sex ED 101 where it said that
women are supposed to live in fear,
letting men get away with abuse, rape, murder?
Guess I was sick that day.
You know … even though he only raped me
I feel he did all those things to me
He raped me physically and mentally.
He abused my body, my thoughts, my dreams.
He murdered my trust.
God how hard it is to trust.
So hard to know that I have someone to love
who loves me the same yet now I feel so much fear.
So when do these feelings of helplessness end?
I am at the time of my life where I am
ready to start living, start my family
with the woman I love dearly with all my heart.
I don’t want these fears to get in the way.
I have worked so hard to break down my walls
And now a fucking sperm donor who thinks
with nothing but his dick
Has made those walls rise yet again.
STOP!
What am I saying?
OK I am stronger.
I will get past this.
The nightmares will end.
Why?
Because I am in control.
No more backing down into that shell.
No more feeling like the fearful child.
Karma comes three-fold whether good or bad.
He will gets his even if he rots in jail for the rest of his stinking life.
And his punishment….not just jail time
OOH NO…..too easy
His punishment should be final judgment with demons
raping his body, mind and soul.
Three-fold.
What will my reward be?
Watching him suffer?
NO.
My reward will be getting on with my life, moving forward.
Will it be easy?
NO.
It will get easier in time.
I have grown.
I have finally awaken.

Oct. 29, 1998

This is a recollection of events that happened to me October 25, 1998. I have a long history of being abused and never reported it in the past. I prob. still wouldn’t have reported if it hadn’t been for my roomie calling the police. I am very happy I did. I wrote this poem to let people know NOT to back down if any kind of abuse happens to you whether it be domestic or sexual violence. There is no law that says you must live your life in fear. I know I won’t… not anymore. I know this is easier said than done but we owe it to ourselves, our children, and our partners not to let people get away with abuse. I was a 26 yr. old mother of a wonderful son. The guy that raped me was a 23 yr. old acquaintance of mine. I thank whatever higher power is listening that my son slept through this. I pressed charges to the fullest extent and plan to stick by it all the way to the trial. I have my girlfriend, Shannon, and my friends sticking by me all the way. If you too have children I can’t emphasize enough the importance for them to know right and wrong when it comes to sexual and domestic abuse. My 7 yr. old (at the time) ironically just learned it a couple weeks before this incident in Cub Scouts to earn his Bobcat Trail Patch. He may not fully understand the seriousness of it yet but at least the teaching process has begun. I can honestly say I am tired of living in fear. For 4 days I couldn’t sleep in my room or even go in myself to just get clothes out. MY phone was dusted for fingerprints and I never did get the black off. I could still smell the stench of the alcohol that was on his breath even though no one else could. I still compulsively lock all the doors in the house. And every time I went to sleep I have nightmares. Please take what I have said into consideration. Trust me I know how hard it is. I am living that nightmare right now and so is everyone close to me. And remember not just men abuse. Women do too. Neither is right. I know people keep saying to me “what if……” well you can’t go back it’s happened now I am dealing with it. Opening up and telling people to watch out for themselves is helping my healing process. All I can say is I hope it never happens to you. If it does……DON’T BACK DOWN. You owe it to yourself. On December 24, 1998 I received a letter in the mail from the District Attorney’s Office stating that they would not be pressing charges against this person because it was “his word against mine”. Well seeing that are “system” works so well I opted for Karma to take over and she did a wonderful Job.

Michelle
{Chel, Chelby, Chaly}

The River’s End
The rapids flow down a meandering stream
The birds fly over waiting for that dream
A dream of hope smashed against the rocks
Distance is noticed way off
Part of the hope that keeps calling
Keeping you from having what you need
when the time is right
Why do you hold on to me so tight
and keep me from drowning in that distance
When you have someone inches away that you could love
If only you could forget about me and
My pathetic existence then you could have
Your life and things would be simple
I wouldn’t be there to complicate things so much
And you could focus on what you have
This morning a crow came to me and said,
“Life is full of possibilities if you allow yourself to love
But when you shut out that love only loneliness will reside
and then what do you have?
Nothing. Is that what you want?”
I looked at the crow and cried.
Tears pouring down my face.
I told the crow the, “the world is cruel and sends
you on this cruel journey down the river of hope
Then throws you over the falls to crash on the rocks below.”
The crow looked back at me and said, “only life will prove its
just cause if you allow it to.”
I lay in bed and see that River’s edge wanting so much to go over
and crash into the rocks below
I close my eyes
I watch the crow carry me away.

Michelle 6/18/99

A shadow’s love
Once upon a full moon nite
There came a shadow w/o fright
The shadow searched high and low
To find that love he hath yet to know
And when the light was bright and round
A maiden appeared upon the shadow’s ground
He looked upon her with eyes of gray
She smiled at him and looked away
He asked her to walk with him to see the stars
And she with no fear followed in his arms
They walked a millions years it seemed
And the maiden never once deemed
The light of the moon started to set
And the shadow hid with fierce regret
He feared the maiden would love him no more
When he disappeared beyond the shores
And the maiden looked at him with gentle eyes
And water welled and she started to cry
She told the shadow to never fear
That the love she had would always be here
And when she looked upon those eyes of gray
The shadow knew she was here to stay
As night fell upon two souls
The shadow’s eyes turned from gray to gold
And when the moon shine bright again
There was the maiden waiting for him.

Chaly 10/24/99

Sunshine

What a wonderful name to have attached to

someone that only sees is gray skies and despair

I look out my window into the horizon

searching for something to show me

That everything will be OK.

When I find that something it is all taken away

Like candy from a baby and when

You take away that hope the despair take over and

So does Arakus.

He watches over you ever so intently

Just waiting for that moment when

He knows you are just moments from

Breaking away.

He feeds on you.

On your fears, grasping the last bit of hope you had left

ripping and tearing it to shreds

And carries you down into the deep depths of Hades

There is no escape here… no freedom

Hope is just a figment of ones imagination

And dreams are fragments of this so called life

There to fool us into thinking all will be well

And someday that Prince Or Princess will come

And sweep you off your feet

When actually the only thing that is swept away is life itself.

Sunshine fades to black.

 

Michelle 6/18/99 2:35 PM

 

 

Torn

Love isn’t supposed to hurt

It shouldn’t tear you apart and then leave you with nothing

I feel like I am in two worlds so far apart

But so close together

And there is no room for escape or indifference

What have we become when you have two women

Who look at you and they see their world wrapped

Up in a pastry shell ready to be devoured

Who see you in their eyes as the only one they will ever love

Who lay at your feet promising the world

And give you more confusion

There is the one who I have loved for years

But is so young and has so much growing to do

I know in my heart it will never work

But I never gave us the chance either

Then there is the one who is in my heart

The one who is in my thoughts every second of every day

The one who looks into my eyes and caresses me with

Gentleness I have never felt

A love that I thought only happened in my dreams

She has hurt me … yes but those feelings have healed with time

She shows me nothing but her unconditional love

So much love that she would even consider giving me up

So to not lose me forever

I cannot push her aside while I get over the lingering feelings

Of a love that would never be

A love that would not have the intensity or the passion

That a single kiss can bring

So I crush the other’s hopes and dreams

Shatter it to bits to have my life … my dream… her dream and now her nightmare

Someone should have written a book about love

An instruction guide stating what we should do

When torn between two hearts

My heart aches because one will be hurt

My heart hopes the other will be able to pick up the pieces

My eyes they cry tears of sadness and tears of joy.

 

Michelle Feb.1, 2000

 

 

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see the frightened girl

That looks towards you with a smile

And you laugh at her with your friends?

Who do you see when you look at me?

Do you see this monster,

The one that hides behind frightened eyes

Waiting to be set free?

How can you look at me and say you know me?

When you have never seen through my eyes

And you have never seen into my heart

And my soul has never been touched.

Look at me and tell me

Why this little girl must cry

And hide her dying eyes

Only for the sadness to wash over her.

Do you wipe away her tears?

Do you feel the pain in her eyes?

Do you see how you broke her heart,

And how easily you crushed her existence.

She never asked for much

Just to be loved

Just to be touched

By just one who really cared.

What do you see when you look at me?

I saw you laugh.

I saw you cry.

I saw you turn and walk away.

 

Michelle July 26, 1999